I have recently confided in her part of something that is hard for me to say, I think I have known it for a while. I don't feel worthy of anything. I look at myself in the mirror and I just hate it. Some days I think "Yea!You look fabulous!" but most days I just look and grimace. Who could honestly be attracted to this? If I am disgusted then obviously so isn't everyone else in the world. I don't tell many people what I really think about myself and most of the time I make a joke about it or use sarcasm to mask my feelings because honestly it's so much easier and it's what I do. Don't get me wrong my friends are great they are all like "You are beautiful! You Rock!" but they are my
Right now it's super hard. I am studying for my licensure exam, which I have worked 6 years for and now it comes down to this one test, if I don't pass this is exam; I will feel like I have failed myself, disappointed my family and friends, and become an utter embarrassment. On top of all of that. I would have to wait another 2 months before I could take the exam again. What am I going to do for two whole months with a degree that I cannot use unless I have this stupid piece of paper that says "Yep. You are competent>"
This is where it comes full circle, because I question if I am truly worthy enough to be a PT? Realistically, I know that I can do this, I mean I have gone through 4 clinicals and passed all of them but, that was with someone there who I could ask and get feedback or recommendations from. I am on my own now and how do I know that I REALLY know that I am going to actually do this pass this exam in just a few short weeks and get a job. I study everyday for hours and hours and everyday I get even more nervous, insecure and scared that I am not going to pass. It freaks the shit out of me.
Then I have the whole ex-boyfriend thing. He was great ya'll. I have had some bad men in my life but this one, gosh he was SUCH a keeper. Tall, dark, handsome, intellectual, loved to be outside just like me, a complete and utter gentleman and was also in the medical field. I couldn't have dreamed of a better catch, but one day he called and said it fizzled ( we were basically long-distance our whole relationship) but late admitted that it was more of fear of the unknown for him. We didn't talk for 2 whole months, we randomly ran into each other at a coffee shop and started chatting again. The first time we hung out we talked for 3 hours (fizzle my ass) and the hour long talking remained every time we talked. We kept in touch for a few months but have recently not talked as frequently or at all.This makes me so sad. I loved, loved, loved talking to him. We could hold an intelligent conversation and yet we could be goofy at the same time. We just "got" each other. Now I find out that he is dating someone (well, maybe) and it flipping kills me. Not to mention that this girl is skinny and beautiful it just reinforces what I feel. Why do I deserve someone so freaking great like the man above when he can have someone 10x better. And at the end of the day he got it, rather quickly too (i think, but I could be bias) and I am here alone killing myself over what I could have done better to make him want to keep me around longer.
I know that no one is going to love you until you love yourself but I am unsure at this point how to do this....
My amazing friend said to me that I should begin to list a few things that I want to accomplish within myself.
Honestly, within myself I want two things: to be happy, and to accept and love myself for who I am. The hard part is figuring out how to accomplish these two things.
Until next time...
"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."-unknown
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