"I will be okay".
This is my new mantra. It has been pretty much confirmed through good ol' facebook that my ex is now dating someone. She is a total upgrade too, much skinner than me and prettier. I was an ABSOLUTE mess about this. He posted pictures and status with regards to "having the time of his life" on facebook. Seeing that; was like rubbing salt into a fresh open wound. It killed me. For two reasons: 1. he never posted anything like that when we were together 2. Did I mention she is a total upgrade? Remember that whole feeling of worthlessness yea it was upgraded by 20-fold. I cried for a day and a half on and off and ran 5 miles on the treadmill, which didn't feel like enough. There are other reasons for my emotional roller coaster; like major stress about this board exam. I don't handle stress well. At all. There was nothing that anyone could say that would make me feel better. I just needed to have a pitty party, party of one.
Later that night my sister and I talked. She basically told me some things, nothing extremely profound but it kinda clicked in my head. One of my biggest fears in life is failure. I hate failing at anything or disappointing anyone. I know people will say that this is typical for anyone but mine is much more than a "typical" fear. I will do anything to ensure that I do not fail. Cross this fear into my relationships and this is what I do:
I try my hardest to make it work and do anything and everything possible. This has been something fairly consistent in all of my relationships. I want to make them work because I so desperately want a successful relationship. I am in my mid-20's and have yet to have a relationship beyond 9 months(granted we were on and off and he was cheating on me the whole time, so I don't even know if I can count this). Honestly, that sucks. I have NEVER experienced anniversaries or anything. I feel like I am missing out on something huge. When a relationship doesn't work, I do the easiest and most logical (at least in my head) thing I can do: I blame myself. Surely its because of my inadequacies that this person no longer wants to be with me. So, after the breakup I kill myself trying to find what I did wrong or what was wrong with me so that I can fix it and then make it work again. But blaming myself isn't the answer and I see this now.
Do I have flaws. Sure do. And I am well aware of them and when a relationship fails it's certainly because of those flaws that he dumped me (my prior thinking). I am going to take this experience and grow from it. In just 4 short weeks I will take this exam, move to a completely different state where I will know no one and begin with a fresh start. I am scared that I will never find someone, I am scared that I will never live up to a mans expectations and that I will never be good enough for someone to love me but I can't let those fears beat me. They will get stronger and overwhelming some days and I will have my "pitty me" days but, I am hoping that this move in a few short weeks will be a good change. So for tonight he may be happy with this new upgraded girl, but "I will be okay".
Until Next Time!
“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” — Alexander Graham Bell
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