"I will be okay".
This is my new mantra. It has been pretty much confirmed through good ol' facebook that my ex is now dating someone. She is a total upgrade too, much skinner than me and prettier. I was an ABSOLUTE mess about this. He posted pictures and status with regards to "having the time of his life" on facebook. Seeing that; was like rubbing salt into a fresh open wound. It killed me. For two reasons: 1. he never posted anything like that when we were together 2. Did I mention she is a total upgrade? Remember that whole feeling of worthlessness yea it was upgraded by 20-fold. I cried for a day and a half on and off and ran 5 miles on the treadmill, which didn't feel like enough. There are other reasons for my emotional roller coaster; like major stress about this board exam. I don't handle stress well. At all. There was nothing that anyone could say that would make me feel better. I just needed to have a pitty party, party of one.
Later that night my sister and I talked. She basically told me some things, nothing extremely profound but it kinda clicked in my head. One of my biggest fears in life is failure. I hate failing at anything or disappointing anyone. I know people will say that this is typical for anyone but mine is much more than a "typical" fear. I will do anything to ensure that I do not fail. Cross this fear into my relationships and this is what I do:
I try my hardest to make it work and do anything and everything possible. This has been something fairly consistent in all of my relationships. I want to make them work because I so desperately want a successful relationship. I am in my mid-20's and have yet to have a relationship beyond 9 months(granted we were on and off and he was cheating on me the whole time, so I don't even know if I can count this). Honestly, that sucks. I have NEVER experienced anniversaries or anything. I feel like I am missing out on something huge. When a relationship doesn't work, I do the easiest and most logical (at least in my head) thing I can do: I blame myself. Surely its because of my inadequacies that this person no longer wants to be with me. So, after the breakup I kill myself trying to find what I did wrong or what was wrong with me so that I can fix it and then make it work again. But blaming myself isn't the answer and I see this now.
Do I have flaws. Sure do. And I am well aware of them and when a relationship fails it's certainly because of those flaws that he dumped me (my prior thinking). I am going to take this experience and grow from it. In just 4 short weeks I will take this exam, move to a completely different state where I will know no one and begin with a fresh start. I am scared that I will never find someone, I am scared that I will never live up to a mans expectations and that I will never be good enough for someone to love me but I can't let those fears beat me. They will get stronger and overwhelming some days and I will have my "pitty me" days but, I am hoping that this move in a few short weeks will be a good change. So for tonight he may be happy with this new upgraded girl, but "I will be okay".
Until Next Time!
“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” — Alexander Graham Bell
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Worthiness and how to actually feel it about yourself....
So, I have this amazing BFF. I mean she is awesome. There are so many things in her life that are SO much more important than my mundane issues but she is ALWAYS there and I can't explain how grateful for that I am.
I have recently confided in her part of something that is hard for me to say, I think I have known it for a while. I don't feel worthy of anything. I look at myself in the mirror and I just hate it. Some days I think "Yea!You look fabulous!" but most days I just look and grimace. Who could honestly be attracted to this? If I am disgusted then obviously so isn't everyone else in the world. I don't tell many people what I really think about myself and most of the time I make a joke about it or use sarcasm to mask my feelings because honestly it's so much easier and it's what I do. Don't get me wrong my friends are great they are all like "You are beautiful! You Rock!" but they are myfriends best friends, they are suppose to say that. It's one thing to hear these things from a friend, another to hear it from a complete stranger, but it's so different when you actually believe it about yourself. And honestly, I have no idea how to get to this place of loving myself.
Right now it's super hard. I am studying for my licensure exam, which I have worked 6 years for and now it comes down to this one test, if I don't pass this is exam; I will feel like I have failed myself, disappointed my family and friends, and become an utter embarrassment. On top of all of that. I would have to wait another 2 months before I could take the exam again. What am I going to do for two whole months with a degree that I cannot use unless I have this stupid piece of paper that says "Yep. You are competent>"
This is where it comes full circle, because I question if I am truly worthy enough to be a PT? Realistically, I know that I can do this, I mean I have gone through 4 clinicals and passed all of them but, that was with someone there who I could ask and get feedback or recommendations from. I am on my own now and how do I know that I REALLY know that I am going to actually do this pass this exam in just a few short weeks and get a job. I study everyday for hours and hours and everyday I get even more nervous, insecure and scared that I am not going to pass. It freaks the shit out of me.
Then I have the whole ex-boyfriend thing. He was great ya'll. I have had some bad men in my life but this one, gosh he was SUCH a keeper. Tall, dark, handsome, intellectual, loved to be outside just like me, a complete and utter gentleman and was also in the medical field. I couldn't have dreamed of a better catch, but one day he called and said it fizzled ( we were basically long-distance our whole relationship) but late admitted that it was more of fear of the unknown for him. We didn't talk for 2 whole months, we randomly ran into each other at a coffee shop and started chatting again. The first time we hung out we talked for 3 hours (fizzle my ass) and the hour long talking remained every time we talked. We kept in touch for a few months but have recently not talked as frequently or at all.This makes me so sad. I loved, loved, loved talking to him. We could hold an intelligent conversation and yet we could be goofy at the same time. We just "got" each other. Now I find out that he is dating someone (well, maybe) and it flipping kills me. Not to mention that this girl is skinny and beautiful it just reinforces what I feel. Why do I deserve someone so freaking great like the man above when he can have someone 10x better. And at the end of the day he got it, rather quickly too (i think, but I could be bias) and I am here alone killing myself over what I could have done better to make him want to keep me around longer.
I know that no one is going to love you until you love yourself but I am unsure at this point how to do this....
My amazing friend said to me that I should begin to list a few things that I want to accomplish within myself.
Honestly, within myself I want two things: to be happy, and to accept and love myself for who I am. The hard part is figuring out how to accomplish these two things.
Until next time...
"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."-unknown
I have recently confided in her part of something that is hard for me to say, I think I have known it for a while. I don't feel worthy of anything. I look at myself in the mirror and I just hate it. Some days I think "Yea!You look fabulous!" but most days I just look and grimace. Who could honestly be attracted to this? If I am disgusted then obviously so isn't everyone else in the world. I don't tell many people what I really think about myself and most of the time I make a joke about it or use sarcasm to mask my feelings because honestly it's so much easier and it's what I do. Don't get me wrong my friends are great they are all like "You are beautiful! You Rock!" but they are my
Right now it's super hard. I am studying for my licensure exam, which I have worked 6 years for and now it comes down to this one test, if I don't pass this is exam; I will feel like I have failed myself, disappointed my family and friends, and become an utter embarrassment. On top of all of that. I would have to wait another 2 months before I could take the exam again. What am I going to do for two whole months with a degree that I cannot use unless I have this stupid piece of paper that says "Yep. You are competent>"
This is where it comes full circle, because I question if I am truly worthy enough to be a PT? Realistically, I know that I can do this, I mean I have gone through 4 clinicals and passed all of them but, that was with someone there who I could ask and get feedback or recommendations from. I am on my own now and how do I know that I REALLY know that I am going to actually do this pass this exam in just a few short weeks and get a job. I study everyday for hours and hours and everyday I get even more nervous, insecure and scared that I am not going to pass. It freaks the shit out of me.
Then I have the whole ex-boyfriend thing. He was great ya'll. I have had some bad men in my life but this one, gosh he was SUCH a keeper. Tall, dark, handsome, intellectual, loved to be outside just like me, a complete and utter gentleman and was also in the medical field. I couldn't have dreamed of a better catch, but one day he called and said it fizzled ( we were basically long-distance our whole relationship) but late admitted that it was more of fear of the unknown for him. We didn't talk for 2 whole months, we randomly ran into each other at a coffee shop and started chatting again. The first time we hung out we talked for 3 hours (fizzle my ass) and the hour long talking remained every time we talked. We kept in touch for a few months but have recently not talked as frequently or at all.This makes me so sad. I loved, loved, loved talking to him. We could hold an intelligent conversation and yet we could be goofy at the same time. We just "got" each other. Now I find out that he is dating someone (well, maybe) and it flipping kills me. Not to mention that this girl is skinny and beautiful it just reinforces what I feel. Why do I deserve someone so freaking great like the man above when he can have someone 10x better. And at the end of the day he got it, rather quickly too (i think, but I could be bias) and I am here alone killing myself over what I could have done better to make him want to keep me around longer.
I know that no one is going to love you until you love yourself but I am unsure at this point how to do this....
My amazing friend said to me that I should begin to list a few things that I want to accomplish within myself.
Honestly, within myself I want two things: to be happy, and to accept and love myself for who I am. The hard part is figuring out how to accomplish these two things.
Until next time...
"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."-unknown
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I equate this to losing my virginity
This is huge. I mean this is my first blog post EVER. I have no idea what to write at the moment, it's like losing your virginity. You have a vague idea at what your supposed to do, but you want to be all like "this isn't my first time I am totally a pro at this". But you know what peeps? I have no IDEA what I am doing. So, I shall do what I do for the first time for everything: just fake it (it works peeps and no ones feelings are hurt).
I am totally going to pretend that I am this awesome blogger that has thousands of readers but in reality, it'll will probably go out into the vortex of cyber space and I will sit here rambling my inner thoughts, feelings, desires, and any other verbal vomit that may spill out. I am going to use this as a release method because now that AIM is out and we can't pour our feelings out on away messages and since I have multiple family members on my Facebook account I can't even freely speak there either because they become all judgy and question everything and what to know what's wrong with me! When all I just want to do is VENT PEOPLE!!!!! wow...that did feel good. Until next time!
Life is about laughing and living, in good and bad times. Getting through whatever comes our way and looking back and smiling.
Unknown
That's it?! Seriously? (huh....this is just like losing your virginity, you get all scared and nervous and then it's over, no climax no nothing.....)
I am totally going to pretend that I am this awesome blogger that has thousands of readers but in reality, it'll will probably go out into the vortex of cyber space and I will sit here rambling my inner thoughts, feelings, desires, and any other verbal vomit that may spill out. I am going to use this as a release method because now that AIM is out and we can't pour our feelings out on away messages and since I have multiple family members on my Facebook account I can't even freely speak there either because they become all judgy and question everything and what to know what's wrong with me! When all I just want to do is VENT PEOPLE!!!!! wow...that did feel good. Until next time!
Life is about laughing and living, in good and bad times. Getting through whatever comes our way and looking back and smiling.
Unknown
That's it?! Seriously? (huh....this is just like losing your virginity, you get all scared and nervous and then it's over, no climax no nothing.....)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)