I will be okay...

"I will be okay".

This is my new mantra. It has been pretty much confirmed through good ol' facebook that my ex is now dating someone. She is a total upgrade too, much skinner than me and prettier. I was an ABSOLUTE mess about this. He posted pictures and status with regards to "having the time of his life" on facebook. Seeing that; was like rubbing salt into a fresh open wound. It killed me. For two reasons: 1. he never posted anything like that when we were together  2. Did I mention she is a total upgrade? Remember that whole feeling of worthlessness yea it was upgraded by 20-fold. I cried for a day and a half on and off and ran 5 miles on the treadmill, which didn't feel like enough. There are other reasons for my emotional roller coaster; like major stress about this board exam. I don't handle stress well. At all. There was nothing that anyone could say that would make me feel better. I just needed to have a pitty party, party of one.

Later that night my sister and I talked. She basically told me some things, nothing extremely profound but it kinda clicked in my head. One of my biggest fears in life is failure. I hate failing at anything or disappointing anyone. I know people will say that this is typical for anyone but mine is much more than a "typical" fear. I will do anything to ensure that I do not fail. Cross this fear into my relationships and this is what I do:
I try my hardest to make it work and do anything and everything possible. This has been something fairly consistent in all of my relationships. I want to make them work because I so desperately want a successful relationship.  I am in my mid-20's and have yet to have a relationship beyond 9 months(granted we were on and off and he was cheating on me the whole time, so I don't even know if I can count this). Honestly, that sucks. I have NEVER experienced anniversaries or anything. I feel like I am missing out on something huge. When a relationship doesn't work, I do the easiest and most logical (at least in my head) thing I can do: I blame myself. Surely its because of my inadequacies that this person no longer wants to be with me. So, after the breakup I kill myself trying to find what I did wrong or what was wrong with me so that I can fix it and then make it work again. But blaming myself isn't the answer and I see this now.

Do I have flaws. Sure do. And I am well aware of them and when a relationship fails it's certainly because of those flaws that he dumped me (my prior thinking). I am going to take this experience and grow from it. In just 4 short weeks I will take this exam, move to a completely different state where I will know no one and begin with a fresh start. I am scared that I will never find someone, I am scared that I will never live up to a mans expectations and that I will never be good enough for someone to love me but I can't let those fears beat me. They will get stronger and overwhelming some days and I will have my "pitty me" days but, I am hoping that this move in a few short weeks will be a good change. So for tonight he may be happy with this new upgraded girl, but "I will be okay".

Until Next Time!

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” — Alexander Graham Bell